In recent years, I have felt that I have grown myself in two different directions. I have put a great deal of effort into fostering my logical, scientific side. I work in chemistry. I devote long hours to research. I have thrown myself into the hardest science classes I could take and worked as hard as I could on pretty much everything. And then in any free time that I could find, I have flexed a growing artistic side. I go to gone to events in the local kink/BDSM events and groups and have developed an aesthetic that I have become passionate about. So in one part of my life, I have paint and lube and blood thrown at me and a bunch of other naked people to roll around on a canvas and in the other part of my life I derive equations and establish anaerobic conditions and meticulously collect data. And both of those things are great. But they are completely separate from each other to the point that I’m keeping secrets from almost everyone in my life.
My intention in getting back into drawing this year was meant to be a way to satiate my need for art in ways that don’t have to be kept secret from everyone. I liked drawing in high school, but again only knew how to draw naked people. So I wanted to learn to draw and create cool things—things that still fit my dark, violent, sexual aesthetic—but maybe not so openly so. I envisioned thick, oozing ink and surreal depictions of anxiety and drawing dark storm clouds.
And I don’t know if I have anywhere near accomplished any of this. I have found that everything I have tried to draw lacks the dynamic impact that I need to satisfy my aesthetic bent. I still only like to draw violence and naked people. And octopi; those are fun too. I don’t know if it’s that drawing architecture just doesn’t feel like it fuels my creativity or that I just don’t have the drawing skills to make something that has feeling. Maybe I need to move into surrealist drawing. Maybe I need to learn to paint. Maybe I just need to put more thought into the stories that I am drawing. Whatever it is, drawing so far just hasn’t done it for me. So my hope is that the techniques I have developed in this class will allow me to build on some drawing that really gets at the ways that I want to be artistic. I think that as I graduate in a couple of weeks and move into science as a job, it will become even harder to find venues where I can express myself that don’t have to be secrets. So I’m really hoping that I can find a subject matter that works for me. I don’t want to give up science for art, and I don’t want to give up art for science. And I hope I can find a happy medium.
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